As a famed relationship therapist, Esther Perel explained in her TED talk, “Foreplay starts the moment sex is over,” not five minutes before sex. It’s not just what you do in the bedroom, it’s the kind of life you live with your partner every single day.

Sexual tension is foreplay. It’s when two individuals interact and one ― or both of them feels sexually aroused but the consummation is postponed.

Knowing how to build sexual tension is one of the most important aspects of any romantic relationship. According to a relationship coach, Marni Kinrys, if you’re not building sexual tension with a woman, your relationship with her either just dies or goes to the friendzone.

But building sexual tension can easily go wrong. Most guys do it wrong by trying to talk dirty at every given opportunity. And this can be very off-putting for most women. So how do you build sexual tension correctly? These tips from two relationship coaches Marni Kinrys and Apollonia Ponti will help you do it correctly.

first, Connect with her emotionally and mindfully

If a woman doesn’t feel safe with you, she will never be able to relax and have an enjoyable sexual experience with you. Why? Her entire nervous system will be in fight or flight mode when she’s alone with you.

Hence, providing safety with a woman is the first step. But too much safety can also lead to flat, boring, “friendzone-like interaction.” You have to find the balance.

Create a foundation of safety but add in some elements of danger so that her experience with you can still be exciting and sexual and fun.

How do you build safety first?

According to Marni Kinrys, you can build safety by your words, your tone, and your body language. Marni gave the following practical ways to build safety with women:

  • When you hug her, hold her for about five seconds. When you do this, especially when your body is bigger than hers, by wrapping your body around hers, you’re giving a signal, subconsciously, that she is safe with you.
  • Words. By not judging her, you can use your words to tell her that she is safe with you.
  • Physicality. Don’t make aggressive moves that put her off balance.

“Most guys who get labeled as nice,” Mani said “are guys that create too much safety for women. And the reason they get labeled by women as ‘nice guys’ is that they forget ― or don’t know how ― to balance safety with a little bit of danger.”

Danger isn’t about literally making a woman feel terrified like her life or body is in danger. In fact, the acts are not dangerous in themselves. They just make women feel as if they are in danger by providing a feeling of excitement and uncertainty. Here’s an example that Marni gave about providing danger…

Imagine you’re out with a girl and you’re both laughing and having a fun night together. But then you pause, look her in the eye with a smile on your face and ask her if you can kiss her (because it’s 2021 and consent is now very sexy).

But the moment she looks like she’s all ready to go in for a kiss, you take that safety and certainty away by saying, “but not yet.”

She just felt safe, in control, and even excited, but now she’s hyped up thinking why you postponed the kiss. Now she’s uncertain as to when or whether or not the kiss will ever happen.

Use secret strength

Think of the lion. We usually compare bold, confident men (the alpha) to wild cats like lions and wolves because these animals have a very calm ― but dangerous ― energy. In fact, on average, some lions can sleep up to 21 hours a day partly because they don’t need to be constantly on guard for their safety.

A lion is calm most of the time, but this doesn’t make him weak. His calmness only makes him more dangerous and feared when it’s time for him to act.

Observe the most secure men, that get the most attention and respect from women, and you’ll see that they are calm and well put together. They have an aura that makes them appear like nothing can go wrong with them. And a woman will feel this centredness and security and want you more of them as a result. As relationship coach Apollonio Ponti shared on her channel,

“When I was dating and a man was very relaxed and chilled ― like my partner now, that’s exactly how he was with me ― I felt like, ‘what do I have to do to make myself better?’ So I’m on, pens and needles because I want to impress him.”

Most men are not comfortable with silent moments with women. But the truth is, how you handle silent moments shows a lot about your strength of character. If you’re on a date with a girl and there’s a moment of silence, but you sit back and just look at her and smile, it shows a solid sense of security. And this is one way you can build sexual tension.

Why you should be comfortable with your sexuality

Let’s say you’re with a woman, and she’s interested in you. She wants things to escalate, and she subtly gears things towards a sexual direction or even directly says something sexual, don’t make a big deal of it. Most guys either freeze, get shocked or start to act funny and desperate when a girl flirtatiously brings up sex.

If you want to create sexual tension with a woman, don’t become stupified when a woman brings up sex. Roll with it. Be completely relaxed and comfortable with your sexuality. The moment you start to behave like she’s doing you a huge favor, you’ve killed sexual tension. As Marni Kinrys put it,

“If she says, ‘I love wearing thongs,’ the regular guy might try to laugh it off and shy away from the conversation. But a sexual man charges it on, maybe replying to her with a question like “What color is your favorite thong?”

Leading her back and forth in this manner communicates to her that it’s not a big deal to you and that you are ready and won’t judge her if she decides to make a move.

Final thoughts

Women and men treat sex differently. The majority of men will be easily turned on by just seeing a beautiful woman. But with women, it’s much more different. 

Women need a gradual build-up. They need to be teased. Give a little and take it away. People think this is game playing, but it isn’t. We all enjoy something more when we thirst for it before having it. If you want to build sexual tension with a woman, you need to make her want more of you, not less.

  • Build a balance between safety and danger
  • Be comfortable in your sexuality
  • Be confident in who you are

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