Charm is one quality that’s difficult to measure. We often mix it up with being good-looking. But they aren’t the same.
You can be good-looking and not be charming, and vice versa.
Charming people are good at making you feel good about yourself. They are the ones that may not get your attention from afar, but when you come close to them, you realize that they have a magnetic personality.
The level of attention and empathy they have can quickly make you addicted to them.
If you’re a charming person, you’re probably used to making others the center of attention so much that you don’t realize how charming you are. Is this you? Here are three ways to find out.
1. You’re holding yourself to unrealistic standards
What body type do you think men are most attracted to?
According to a research published in the Journal of Psychological Research, when women were asked what body type they think men were most attracted to, almost all of them thought “Big breasted and slim.”
Note that this research was done across 26 countries, and this standard was the most prevalent. But according to the study, the men didn’t have this sort of extreme description in mind.
Sure, many young guys like this ideal that these women pursue, but the majority of adult males will most likely have gone past those types of fantasies. In reality, the standards those women had for the perfect body they think men want were unrealistic.
When asked, each man had specific body types that they found attractive, and only a few had the same ideals the women had in mind.
I think even porn websites understand this simple logic. This is why they make videos for different body types. Everyone has different tastes.
Besides, when you’re a grown-up, you just realize that there are far more important things to look out for besides body dimensions.
But why were most of the women in this research stuck in this unrealistic ideal?
To a large extent, the media makes us feel only a specific “perfect” body type is desired by everyone. Music videos, brand ads, movies, etc., all make us thrive for unattainable standards.
As much as it is great to improve yourself and get into shape, you should desire improvement from a place of security, not from a place of fear and self-hate.
Don’t let unrealistic standards make you feel like you’re unattractive. Before you condemn yourself, ask what you’re measuring yourself up against.
2. You use insufficient markers to evaluate yourself
Do you know why couples are drawn to each other more than they are to strangers?
According to the author and psychologist Madeleine Fugere, couples who are most attracted to each other know themselves beyond their physical traits. This makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
The only way a relationship will last is if there’s an emotional bond between two people. Without that, all you have is lust. And with time, the excitement will wear off, and you’ll be left with an empty relationship waiting to disintegrate.
But here’s the thing: Most people use those physical attributes as the markers for their level of attractiveness.
As studies have found, in the same way couples bond through a connection that goes beyond physical attributes, people also bond more with you when they see your character. And people who use only physical attributes to evaluate themselves end up blind to the things people truly admire about them.
How often has your perception of someone changed drastically when you got a chance to meet them?
It happens all the time.
3. Unfair comparisons
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.” — Marcus Aurelius
In an interesting study, it was found that exposure to same-sex images that are more attractive makes most people feel insecure and less attractive.
To understand the significance of this study, think about how you feel when you see a perfect – most likely filtered image – of a celebrity on Instagram.
You may feel you’re entertaining yourself with those perfect Instagram photos, but the studies proving this wrong are staggeringly overwhelming.
Social media increases the risk of depression precisely because it exploits our innate need to compare ourselves to others.
If seeing pictures of people who look better than you makes you feel less attractive and insecure, imagine having perfect pictures on your feed all day, every day. It won’t matter how good you look, you’ll always feel you’re not enough.
Robert Greene sums it up perfectly in The Laws of Human Nature,
“We humans are naturally compelled to compare ourselves with one another. We are continually measuring people’s status, the levels of respect and attention they receive, and noticing any differences between what we have and what they have.”
The sad reality is that most of the things we are exposed to today are designed to make us feel we are not enough. It’s so easy to forget what truly matters.
Comparisons are never fair. Why?
You know everything about yourself. But you can only see what someone else wants you to see. And humans are by nature consummate actors. If you get carried away by what you see people highlight, you’ll never feel enough.
Also read: The 7 Habits of Truly Charming People