If you’ve had a guy distance himself from you after intimacy, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s one of the top questions women ask about men, and it’s no wonder why.
Think about it. A guy takes a long time to get a date with you, build friendship, and gain your trust, he finally gets everything he wants but then becomes distant. It’s confusing.
Sometimes he’ll have sex with you and then disappear. Other times they just become distant when you start getting closer to their hearts.
The question is, why will a guy distance himself after intimacy? Here are 6 of the most common reasons, according to some experts and scientific insights.
1. He got what he wanted already
Let’s face it. Most guys are just in for the chase. Some evolutionary biologists refer to this as man’s primal instinct to hunt (this, of cause, doesn’t justify leaving a woman after having sex).
For the majority of men, attraction towards the opposite sex works in a very simple way. All it usually takes is for the lady to look mature with a fully developed body.
And the hard truth is, most guys go after women with this primal instinct. They simply see her, get attracted to how she looks, and feel motivated by their hormones to get her for themselves.
When a man goes after a woman for this flimsy reason, nothing real can happen. He’ll only be motivated until he has her body. After that, all his motivation will die out.
Some men do this on purpose. They go after a lady to get sex and back off. For some, the intimacy just died off because, even if they didn’t admit it to themselves from the beginning, they never loved the girl. They were only attracted to her body. But how do you know a guy only wants sex from you? Check out this article:
2. He’s scared of intimacy
According to studies, some people are terrified of being intimate.
And they may manifest this by staying away from any form of romantic relationship in general. But if they do get into a relationship, they’ll find an excuse to sabotage the relationship out of fear of becoming intimate with their partner.
Childhood experiences like abandonment by a loved one, abuse, or heartbreak are the leading causes of the fear of intimacy.
For instance, someone who lost a loved one when he/she was still a child, may be scared of being too close to someone else to avoid such an experience from repeating itself.
Furthermore, a guy who has been heartbroken by a girl that he loved might find it difficult to trust another. This may make him panic whenever he feels like he’s about to make the same mistake he did in the last relationship.
3. Too much, too soon
There’s a thing as falling in love too quickly. It’s called hemophilia.
People who fall in love or get intimate too quickly can scare potential partners. They go in too strong, too quickly. They just like being in love.
For instance, just after a few dates, they might start talking about future plans. They want to spend all their time with the new partner they just met, most likely suffocating him with their attention.
People who fall in love too quickly like the idea of being in love. They move too fast, get their partners scared, and before you know it, the relationship crashes. Why?
Well, if you just got into a relationship with a guy and you’re all over him, it’s going to feel weird. First of all, the guy is going to see through your neediness. He’ll quickly realize that you don’t have a sense of independence and autonomy.
And the mere fact that you need someone else to complete you is going to be a huge turn-off for him. “Desire,” as Esther Perel famously put it, “needs space.”
4. You changed
“Do what you did at the beginning of the relationship and there won’t be an end.” — Anthony Robbins
Some people change after getting into a relationship.
Maybe before you became close to him, you had a life of your own. You went out with friends, hung out with your family, and had fun. And this aspect of your nature was a large part of why he found you attractive.
But as time went on, he became your whole world.
In your mind, you’re becoming more intimate, but in reality, you’re both suffocating yourselves.
In her TED talk, The Secret to Long Term Desire In A Relationship, Esther Perel explained that most couples don’t last long because, at some point, they let their passion for each other suffocate their desire.
If you moved from being calm, self-reliant, and strong to being dependent, anxious, and needy, there’s a huge chance your man might want to distance himself from you after some time.
5. He’s a player
This is perhaps the most common reason why a guy will distance himself from you after intimacy.
Guys who are players are motivated by the chase. It’s partly because of their insensitivity, and partly because of the fragile ego that makes them think they have to “conquer” women to feel good about themselves.
Sometimes it’s hard to identify a player. But in most cases, you can tell that a guy is a player by how much he focuses on your external qualities. When he’s talking to you, his eyes will scan your body, like he can’t wait to see you undress.
Also, players tend to show all the signs that guys give when they are only interested in getting sex from you. You see signs like:
- He’ll try hard to get you over to his place.
- He’s more interested in getting you to a private place with him than taking you out.
- He’ll steer your conversations towards sex, talking dirty, and trying to turn you on with his words.
- Restlessness when he’s alone with you, like he’s excited he has a close shot at getting what he wants.
There are many other signs. Look out for clues that say he wants something from you. If you see the signs, then the onus is on you to leave before he gets what he wants to take the exit.
6. He discovered something that changes everything
Sometimes guys leave a girl after intimacy because they began to see things they never knew about the girl from the start.
After you go on a few dates with a girl, there are a lot of things you still won’t know about her. Most people just play nice roles in social settings.
You only get to know the truth about someone’s nature when you start getting close to them. And the closer you get, the more you understand them.
This happens to girls a lot. For instance, you might go on a date with a guy who seems sweet and caring on your first date, only for you to discover that he has a long streak of ladies whose hearts he’s broken.
In the same way, a guy might discover details about a girl that he never saw before. Details like how she lied about the number of relationships she’s had in the past, how she used to work in a strip club, how many guys she’s slept with in the past, etc.
Details like these when uncovered later on in a relationship change everything. He may not openly tell you about how he feels, but he might communicate by becoming distant from you.
A guy might distance himself from you for several reasons. Sometimes it’s his fault. And sometimes it’s the girl’s fault.
The most important thing is to find out the reason for the distance and decide if it’s something you can work on. Great relationships take time to build. And there’s nothing wrong with going apart sometimes to come back together stronger.
However, there are times when distance after intimacy shouldn’t be amended. For instance, when a guy has sex with you for the first time and suddenly becomes cold and distant, that’s a huge red flag. If you beg for his attention and he comes back, he might repeat the same thing.
Also read: 7 Major Reasons Why Men Lie to Women