When I was new on the dating scene, a freshman in college, I often sought to attract guys by wearing ridiculous wigs.
I would put on dresses I would normally never wear and apply heavy makeup just because I thought it would make me more desirable.
Then one day, the guy I was dating at the time made an unplanned visit to my apartment. He was in the neighborhood and decided to pop by. I did not have time to get my wig on or make-up done. Plus, I wore a casual dress, one I would never wear on a date.
When I opened the door and he saw me, he was pleasantly surprised. Later as we sat down, he remarked, “You look so refreshing, I love your natural hair, and you look equally beautiful without make-up on”.
I said, “Well, I thought guys like sophisticated-looking ladies”. And what he said next was eye-opening: “Women mistakenly think certain behaviors attract men, but oh! how wrong they usually are.”
I got schooled on some of these behaviors, and you need to know them too.
1. Needing to have the perfect appearance
Of course, appearance matters and plays a role in the men attracted to you. However, you often need to elevate your appearance rather than invent a new person who does not exist.
here’s what I mean:
I love my natural hair, and everyone who knows me knows this. And rather than seeking to elevate my unique look, I chose to put on a wig. The whole time I’m wearing this wig, I’m miserable, but I mistakenly think this is what will attract a man.
There is nothing inherently wrong with wearing hair extensions. There is, however, a problem if you think you must take on a different persona through your appearance to attract a man.
And what will you do when he gets attracted to a false version of you? Keep up the act?
When you’re trying hard to appear perfect to someone, it shows through in your attitude. You’ll get anxious about saying something stupid around them. Plus, you’ll feel embarrassed about the most trivial things.
In science, there’s a phenomenon called “The Beautiful Mess Effect.” It explains that we tend to underestimate how much our deficiencies make people bond more with us.
It’s not your flaws that matter, it’s how you handle them. If you’re ashamed of it, it becomes ugly. But when you embrace it, it makes you more likable; it becomes a “beautiful mess.”
2. Playing hard to get
According to studies, being on the fence for too long about the interest of a potential romantic partner tends to be a bigger turn-off than a turn-on for most men.
How many times do we hear “men love the chase”? And yet most good guys who are busy setting and achieving their goals in life have no time for “the chase”. So, what will happen?
You’ll get a bunch of jerks playing along with you until they finally get what they want from you and leave you heartbroken.
Women mistakenly think if a man likes you, he will stick around for the chase; even when you don’t show interest, he will keep wooing you. But this behavior is a put-off rather than an attraction.
It may also be seen by some men as a sign that you are insecure and need a man to go above and beyond to prove he wants you.
A high-value man will show interest in you. But if you see that you’re not interested, he isn’t going to waste his time convincing you that he is worthy of your love.
3. Playing the damsel in distress
Sure, guys like to feel needed, and sometimes it is okay to be the damsel in distress. On the other hand, if you plan on keeping a long-term relationship rather than a few moments of attraction, the damsel in distress narrative will not always fly.
If a man has to always rescue you from debt, fights, and bad choices, soon enough, he will run for the hills. Such high maintenance is not attractive.
It may also just be simple things like calling a man for help around your house. That sounds harmless until he begins to see you as a helpless woman, constantly needing help.
A man will love you for having your life together. Won’t it be exhausting to go out in the world and fight to achieve your goals, only to come home and still have to “fix” your woman?
4. Self-depreciation to massage his ego
After all these years of fighting for gender equality, it’s crazy to think that you must play dumb to attract a man.
Do you know what my guy friend told me when I mentioned this? He said, “men who prefer dumb women are insecure and can’t stand to compete with smart women”.
We’ve all seen women who meet men and suddenly act less clever and hang on his every word like a lovestruck schoolgirl.
Playing dumb might attract a man, but he might be the wrong man for you. And will you continue to play dumb throughout the relationship?
Men who are confident and secure in themselves are not intimidated by intelligent women. Not only that, but they’ll also be put off by a woman who’s not intelligent enough to hold her own.
Interesting: How to Create Intense Desire In A Man
5. Acting like you have a lot of men interested in you
Similar to acting uninterested in a man, some women think that by acting like they have a lot of men interested in them, they will attract more men.
Sure, competition is supposed to ignite more attraction, but it can quickly go south if overdone.
If you tell a man that you have other men waiting in line to date you, his ego might push him to either leave or stay around just long enough to get the validation he needs.
Some men have fragile egos and acting like you have a lot of other men interested in you is a mistake that can quickly put them off.
6. Pretending to like the things he likes
There’s no harm in trying to show interest in the things a man likes, but if you are lying about what you love in place of his interests, you’re not being authentic.
And guess what, it does not attract men. Not only does it show that you are untrue to yourself, but it reeks of desperation.
You may also be pretending because he admires someone who has specific characteristics, and you want to embody those characteristics to attract him.
Copying someone is only going to make you a fake version of yourself. It is a behavior you mistakenly think attracts men but doesn’t.
So, if women have these wrong perceptions about the behaviors that attract men, what do we do?
Be authentic. All we are ever called to be in life is ourselves. We can be ourselves when we are confident.
Studies have shown a pyramid in the flow of attraction. Here they are:
1. Status and health
These are at the base of the pyramid. They are the most important factors that influence attraction.
Without health or status, attraction cannot exist. Status is broken into two elements: internal and external.
Internal status entails being confident in your skill set and beliefs. Confidence is attractive, which is why it plays a significant role in dating.
External status on the other hand points to material possessions and visual markers. Although these are also necessary, it is argued that internal status is more crucial.
Health plays a role in attraction because how you look, smell, and physique matter.
The emotional state is next on the pyramid. This is the level where we fall in love.
The connection, intelligence, uniqueness, and mystery of the other person either make you fall in love with them or not. This is why women must openly express themselves and be unafraid to stand out.
The argument here is that greater alignment means greater attraction. This is probably why some women pretend to have similar interests as the men they like.
There is undoubtedly a man out there whose dreams will align with yours. Don’t sell yourself short.
So, rather than these behaviors that we think mistakenly attract men, here are proven attitudes that attract men.
To attract a man, you don’t need to reinvent yourself; you just need to highlight your best features.
Wear red, wear lovely perfume, and don’t be afraid to embrace your body shape.
As times change, the dating scene changes. Attraction during online dating can be different, but some principles apply everywhere.
You may not be able to elevate your looks and go on a physical date to attract a man, but you can be honest. If you lose yourself to attract a man, that’s too high a price to pay.