Share this post

In her quest to find out what was responsible for sustained desire in relationships and marriages, the famed relationship therapist Esther Perel did research across 22 countries. 

The more she enquired, the more she realized that a certain group of answers always reemerged: Most people desired their partners the most… “When they’re on stage, when they’re passionate about something, when they are radiant, doing something they are good at,” etc. 

Perel’s research reveals an interesting thing about human psychology. 

Here’s the thing: The word desire is often associated with a physical appeal. And while this might still be the case for most men, for the majority of women, desire doesn’t work the same way. Your physical appeal can only go so far. 

If you want to make a woman desire you, there are a few things you need to pay more attention to than how you look. The words of Noam Schpancer, a professor of psychology at Otterbein College, will form the basis as we proceed. In his words,

“Many women seek and place a premium on a sense of intimacy and emotional closenesss with their sexual partners.”


1. Understanding Responsive Desire 

According to Dianne Grande, a clinical psychologist, for the most part, intimacy happens differently for men and women. A man can easily move from desire to intimacy. But for women, this isn’t the case. As Grande wrote in Psychology Today, 

“The majority of men experience desire as the first step towards intimacy… However, for the majority of women, the first step is arousal, followed by desire.”

Arousing a woman is easy. What’s not easy is moving from arousal to desire. 

Think about it: 

What most dating and relationship coaches teach is how to arouse a woman. Playing mind games will help you arouse her, but it cannot make her desire you for long. 

When a woman sees a cute guy and likes him, that’s arousal. This is why she can go on a date with that same guy and never want to see him again. Why? 

The guy succeeded in getting her attention, but he couldn’t get her to desire him. To get a woman to desire you, you have to move from responsive desire to conscious desire. 


Interesting: How To Make A Girl Chase You (Psychology)


2. Conscious Desire 

Imagine the following scenario: 

Cynthia meets Collins on Tinder. Cynthia feels lucky because Collins seemed like a pretty decent, good-looking guy (judging from his profile picture and their short chat).

Without wasting time they decided to set a date and time to meet. 

Cynthia is excited.

On the day of the date, she dresses up nice and sweet, ready to meet Mr. Handsome. And when Collins showed up, he didn’t disappoint at all. He looked even better. He was tall, had perfect teeth, and had perfect hair. 

But immediately they introduced themselves and started talking, Collins couldn’t stop talking about himself. He’ll talk about something funny he did and laugh loudly, without even paying attention to how Cynthia responded to the joke. 

Now Cynthia has moved from anticipation and excitement to being turned off. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.