“Seduction is a game of attention, of slowly filling the other person’s mind with your presence. Distance and inattention will create the opposite effect, and can be used as a tactic when the need arises.” ― Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction
The hardest thing about making someone miss you is that you need scarcity to spur desire. As Esther Perel explained in her popular TED talk, “If there’s a verb that comes with desire, it is to want.” And nobody wants what’s always available.
Desire, Esther Perel explained, needs space. But the challenge is that when we find someone we desire, the last we want to give them is space. In fact, we can rarely get enough of them.
In other words, the most important factor in making someone miss or crave you isn’t having the best personality in the world. As Robert Greene explained in The Art of Seduction, a man grows bored with a woman, no matter how beautiful; he yearns for different pleasures, and for adventure. And vice versa.
What you need is self-control. Being able to withdraw even when it’s the last thing you want creates space for desire to grow. Just like a delicate plant can be suffocated if it doesn’t find space for sunlight and aeration, desire cannot grow without space. That said, here are great tips from psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Antonio Borello that can help you create desire and make someone miss you.
First form intimate and emotional connection
No one can miss something or someone they don’t find value in or depend on in any way.
Think back to a time when you felt really close and emotionally intimate with your partner, when you felt you could tell your partner your deepest secret and it would be accepted without judgment. We all need this deep and wonderful feeling of intimacy with someone, and it can only flourish in an atmosphere of safety. We open up to and take risks with someone when we feel safe with them.
When you’re spending time with your partner, first create a safe place for them to be emotionally intimate. Let him or her be freely expressive. This means letting him or her be the person who is accepting, caring, and compassionate. As Dr. Antonio put it, “It is only when a person connects with you on an emotional level that they will miss you when they feel disconnected.”
This means that every time they think of you when you’re not around, they’ll be thinking about the fun things because they’ll come to associate you with everything fun. As Dr. Antonio also advised, “Don’t talk about missing them, or say that you’re going to miss them. Don’t let them think that you’ve become too attached or needy.”
Why you shouldn’t be afraid to say no
According to Dr. Antonio, saying no to a person’s request for plans sends them a message that you have other engagements and commitments that are taking priority.
Furthermore, saying no also forces them to recognize that they must make advanced plans because you have other things going on, and you’re not just sitting by your phone, waiting for their call. This will make them realize that they don’t have the privilege of calling you and asking you to go out whenever they feel like it. Soon, they will want to earn that priority status with you.
However, as Dr. Antoio advised, this isn’t about playing games and hiding behind your phone. Go out with your friends and have fun, away from your man or woman. Create goals to work on, or do something that you enjoy.
Instead, let them wonder if you’re missing them. Keep things light and fun even when you’re disappointed with the fact that they don’t show that they miss you.
The power of creating mystery
You don’t have to share every detail about what you are up to. You also don’t need to over-explain everything that you’re doing. You want them to wonder and develop intrigue. Instead, share bits and pieces of your life slowly, and make him or her earn your trust.
For instance, when you’re going out with your parents for dinner, you don’t have to tell them you’re going out with your parents unless they ask. Let them wonder. When you have plans with friends and your man asks you to hang out on a date last minute, tell him you have plans with friends.
As Dr. Antonio said, “You don’t need to go above and beyond to make them feel at ease. The more you explain, the less mysterious you become.” As Robert Greene explained in the art of seduction, one of the major problems people have with seduction is that “There is too little mystery in the world; too many people say exactly what they feel or want.”
Remember, getting someone to miss you means making them appreciate you and your time. So let them wonder. And if they ask, you’ll know that they’re trying really hard to decipher you, all of which will only add to your allure.
Why you should highlight your fun and independence
Neediness, as we know, is repulsive. We love to know that our partners have a life outside of us. There’s nothing more unappealing than someone always being on our faces all the time, as though the functionality of their lives depends on ours.
Sometimes you can use social media to your advantage by independently showing him that you have an independent, full, and fun life that is independent of your partner. As Dr. Antonio advised,
“Whether you’re out to dinner with friends or attending a rock concert, take fun photos and share them on your social media. But don’t fabricate elaborate and fake posts. Be you, be fun, and be authentic.”
Don’t put yourself last
Sometimes we go out of our way to show the person we are dating how much we like them. And in doing so, we become overly concerned about not disappointing them. This makes us jump at every opportunity to talk, hang out, or text. And usually, this may be a good thing.
But as Dr. Antonio advised, if you’re trying to make someone miss you, you need to learn to put yourself first. Pick up some hobbies. Make and keep plans with your friends. Fill up your social calendar. And when he or she calls you last minute to hang out, you’ll already have plans for yourself.
These suggestions are not ideas that you haven’t heard before. But why are they still so difficult for so many people to keep up with? Well, they are counterintuitive and even risky.
They are counterintuitive because if you truly desire someone, the last thing you want to do is turn down a chance to hang out with them even if it’s a last-minute plan. And they are risky because we are all afraid to lose anything we desire. Hence, doing things like not replying to their texts on time or turning down their offer to hang out makes us fear losing them.
We think that if we are not available, they’ll find someone else. What if we don’t call them back, won’t they think we don’t like them? You fear that if you don’t seem interested and all into him, he might find someone else who is more interested. Indeed, these are all valid considerations.
But thinking these things means that you’re worried about worst-case scenarios. As Dr. Antonio put it, these sorts of excuses are usually driven by fear of being rejected.
We are afraid of rejection, we tend to cling to people more, afraid that they will leave us at any time. This is perhaps why Dr. Antonio usually advises that the most important thing you can do to have the best kind of relationship is to overcome your fear of being rejected.
When you approach your relationship from a point of security, it becomes easy to see how the points in these articles will serve you. You’d better be equipped to implement them and rip their benefits.