“Love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure.” — Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
Think back to the moment when you found yourself smiling in the kitchen with a spoon in your hand oblivious of time because you were thinking of someone, what caused it?
More importantly, how can you make someone else feel the same way about you?
When it comes to making someone miss you, our natural human predilections are already against us. This is because we rarely want to be away from someone we love. By following our instincts, we provide all the security without any adventure.
But a relationship cannot survive on you providing only security. As Esther Perel said, our need for security exists alongside our need for adventure.
Making someone miss you is all about understanding how to balance security and adventure, to deliberately delay their satisfaction and make them come to you even if all you want to do is be by their side.
1. How to be someone worth day-dreaming about
Let’s be real. No one misses people that they don’t depend on in any way. Everyone that misses you will miss you for a reason. It could be that you’re fun to be with or that you’re so great at your job that no one can replace you.
If you’re not an integral part of someone’s life already, it’s difficult to make them miss you. Why?
We don’t really miss people; we miss how they make us feel. And this is because of a phenomenon psychologists call the dopamine-seeking reward loop.
The dopamine-seeking reward loop explains that if we have an experience with someone — or something — we come to associate that experience with that person.
This is why you like to hang out with someone again after you have a great first date. When you get home, chances are, you’ll be thinking of how you felt during all your great experiences together. And you’ll come to link that great feeling with being that person.
If someone associates being with you with emotional drainage, there’s no way they’re missing you when you’re apart.
If you want someone to miss you, whether a friend or romantic partner, you have to establish yourself as someone worth missing. When you are with them, think of creative ways to make it fun. You could be that person who encourages them to do great things. Or you could be the one that helps them relax and forget their problems.
The bottom line is, we are wired to miss people who make us feel good when they’re with us. This is why giving someone a unique compliment is a great way to make them think of you.
Related: How To Create Desire In A Woman
As Robert Greene wrote in The Art of Seduction,
“Your greatest power in seduction is your ability to turn away, to make others come after you, delaying their satisfaction.”
When we love someone, it’s understandable that we want to spend all our time with them. This is instinct. And this instinct to always be with a partner is even higher in insecure people.
However, what most people don’t understand is this: When it comes to building desire in a relationship, the quality of the time you spend together is more important than the quantity.
If you’re spending too much time with someone and it isn’t quality time, they can easily grow bored of you. As Esther Perel put it in her famous TED talk,
“Desire needs space.”
It’s hard to miss someone who is always there right? The trick is for you to spend a great time when you’re together, but also enough time apart for them to miss your presence.
This isn’t the same as gaslighting someone. No. It simply means that you deliberately control your urge to always see someone and also make sure your times together are memorable enough to make them think of it when you’re not there.
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.” — Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
3. Balance communication
Texting is a fun way to compensate for not being with someone physically. But sometimes — even when we’re not physically present — we can suffocate people with overcompensation.
A romantic partner or a friend over communicates when they’re always the one initiating contact. You always say “Hi” first, morning, afternoon, evening, and night. And you repeat it every day.
Besides the fact that overcompensating can be a sign of clinginess, a balanced communication system is a sign of a healthy relationship. Someone who truly cares about you will make a deliberate effort to also initiate contact.
Overcomminicating makes you come off as needy. And it’s hard to miss someone who’s always on your face. But if you’re in a relationship where you always feel you must be the one to initiate contact, you might want to pull back and see what happens.
4. Highlight great moments
Instead of waiting around and being worried about your partner not replying to your texts quickly enough, you could be having fun and sharing highlights.
We all want to be a part of someone’s life if they appear to be crushing it themselves. We don’t like needy people because we subconsciously assume that if their lives are great enough, then they won’t be so desperate to get people to like them.
Share great moments with friends and family if you’re active on social media. Even if social media isn’t your thing, going out and having fun is already enough to give your partner space and show your level of self-reliance.
These four strategies are great. But the most important part is being someone worth missing. When you always have fun with someone, whether they’re just friends or romantic partners, it’s natural that you’ll think of them when they’re not there.