Do you know the difference between a good-looking person and an attractive person?
To rephrase the words of American Politician Adlai Stevenson I centuries ago, “A good looking person, you notice. But a charming person notices you.”
We usually look for insufficient markers to rate our level of attractiveness. Let’s face it, as studies have also confirmed, most people go to the gym because they want to look more attractive.
But what use is going to the gym if you don’t understand the key things that make you a truly charming person? Looks can only go so far. If you don’t have the looks, you might have the character that wins hearts.
According to psychologists and experts, here are the key things that truly tell your level of attractiveness.
Brace yourself, because after knowing these signs, you’ll realize that you might be more charming than you give yourself credit for.
1. Watch how often people breach your intimacy zone
According to Vanessa Van Edwards, the head researcher at The Science of People, a human behavior research lab, people who find us attractive are likely to breach our intimacy zone when they talk to us.
What’s the intimacy zone? 8 inches from you.
As she explained in an interview, if you notice that someone likes to stay less than 8 inches from you when they interact with you, there’s a high chance they are attracted to you.
Think about it. Whenever you’re interacting with someone you don’t like, you want to stay as far away from them as possible. In fact, if you had the means, you’d rather not interact with them at all. Their energy alone makes you uncomfortable.
The opposite happens when you’re interacting with people you find attractive. Because you like the way they talk, the smell of their perfume, their character, etc., you want to get close to them because their energy is appealing to you.
2. People are happy around you
“Desire,” Robert Greene wrote in The Art of Seduction, “is both imitative and competitive.” Meaning, we like what others like, and we are usually motivated to take from others what they find precious.
This is partly why a guy suddenly becomes more attractive to women when he frequently has beautiful ladies around him. And this is also one of the reasons people find you more attractive when others are always happy around you.
Take comedians for instance. It’s really difficult to not like them. Why?
Well, they give joy to people. And when we see those who can make us laugh in a world where suffering is more evident than anything, we wish we could just have them for ourselves. No wonder people are willing to pay almost anything to watch comedians perform.
Hence, if you have a personality that makes people happy around you, there’s a high chance there are a lot of people who wish they could be around you more often.
Interesting: Are You More Attractive Than You Think?
3. They find opportunities to bond with you through touch
How you answer this question might say a lot about your personality:
At what point do you usually feel comfortable touching or letting a romantic partner touch you?
Is it after the first, second, or third date? Or is it after a month?
Of course, the answer to this question will vary for everyone. But one thing is sure: You’ll only feel comfortable with physical contact when you start feeling a bond with someone.
When people find you attractive, they’ll most likely want to touch you often. It is our way of bonding. It’s a reflex. We don’t even have to think about it.
As studies have found, we know that we feel good when we touch someone we find desirable. And this is because touching someone you like causes your brain to release oxytocin, a hormone released by the pituitary gland into our bloodstream. And oxytocin makes us feel good.
This relates to the intimacy zone breach. When someone likes to come close to you a lot, they’ll probably soon start going for physical contact.
4. They get lost in your eyes
Mutual eye contact could mean either respect or admiration. And if you pay close attention, you can tell which one it is based on how different people look at you.
Think about it. There’s a reason why we like to lock eyes with those we love.
First of all, we just tend to look at things we like. This is why one of the best signs that someone finds you attractive is that you frequently catch their gaze from across a room full of people.
Secondly, when we find someone attractive, our brains release oxytocin when we lock eyes with them. This is what makes our heart beat faster and our pupils dilate uncontrollably.
As studies have shown, there are a lot of messages we pass when we make eye contact with each other. As the saying goes, the eyes are the windows to the soul. This is perhaps why people who have something to hide can’t make eye contact properly.
5. Your vibe
The kind of energy you give off is one of the most important determinants of your level of attractiveness.
Even if you’re not very good-looking, but you appear enthusiastic about life, people will see your level of self-acceptance as an indication that you’re proud of who you are. Your positive energy is what they’ll see, not your looks.
As Vanessa Van Edwards explained, people look at your level of energy to decide how interesting you are.
Attractive people are engaging. They make you feel heard when you’re in a conversation with them. They’ll pay attention to you, and their level of enthusiasm will rub off on you.
Think about your favorite celebrities in interviews with Jimmy Kimmel or on The Late Night Show With Stephen Colbert. You can’t help but love the energy and the fun in their conversations.
6. You’re genuinely interested in other people
As the best-selling author, Robert Greene, elaborated in his book The Laws of Human Nature, one of the biggest hindrances we have in relating well with people is our tendency to quickly turn inward.
We think of the things we can do to impress. Some guys will go as far as memorizing pick-up lines to get a girl to like them.
But all these ways of handling social interactions have one flaw: It puts the focus on YOU.
The most charming people go in the opposite direction. In the words of Robert, they see others as “an undiscovered country” that they will carefully explore. And this act of putting the spotlight on others works like magic. Why?
Everyone wants to talk about themselves. But only a few want to listen.
Hence, if you’re among the few that have enough self-control to go outward and let others shine, you’re one of a kind. People will inevitably be drawn to you.
Don’t just strive to be good-looking, aspire to be a charming person. When you’re charming, other people like themselves more when they interact with you. That’s powerful.
Good looks can only go so far. Indeed, it will get you attention. But if you want to win hearts, you have to learn the art of making others feel accepted and secure around you.