As I sat and listened to my friend pour her heart out about her insecurities in her relationship, I couldn’t help but think about how common these feelings are.
She kept saying things like, “I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for him” and “I’m always worried that he’s going to realize I’m not good enough and leave.”
It broke my heart to see her so full of self-doubt, especially because I knew that these feelings were completely unfounded.
Many people experience the feeling of inadequacy or insecurity in their relationships, and it can be a challenging experience.
In this article, we’ll be exploring some of the common and relatable reasons why you have the feeling of not being good enough for him.
Additionally, there will be helpful tips on how to deal with these feelings and have a better/healthier mindset which will eventually lead to a healthier relationship.
1. Comparing yourself to others
Last night I watched a movie series (Never Have I Ever) and what I observed about the life of one of the main characters was that she was always so unhappy and unstable in most of her romantic relationships (if not all), and one of the reasons — comparison.
As they say, comparison is a killer of joy. It distracts you from the things you have and clouds your thoughts with things you wish you had, and most times these things are unreal.
Comparison leads to jealousy.
You might be comparing yourself with your boyfriend’s hot exes or your friend’s relationship that looks so perfect in your eyes.
Think of how you feel whenever these thoughts come to your mind. It’s never comforting.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, try to focus on your abilities and accomplishments, and the wonderful person who accepted you for who you are.
2. Low self-esteem
One of the reasons why you’re not feeling good enough for your partner is that you’re not confident in yourself. Or, to better put, you have low self-esteem.
You think everyone else is better, smarter, and hotter, even if you get compliments from people about your looks and some other abilities.
Remember the movie I mentioned earlier? The character’s name is Devi and her partner is Paxton.
Devi’s boyfriend, Paxton, is one of those people you’d call the cool kids in high school. He’s a talented swimmer and he’s got the charm of winning girls over effortlessly, he also has a great body.
My point is, despite all these incredible qualities Paxton at one point in the movie felt intimidated by his classmate Ben because of his academic prowess.
When you have low self-esteem, you start to think that you don’t deserve your partner because to you, he’s just too good for you.
The thing is, people see you the way you see yourself. Your lack of self-confidence can make you start acting weird with your partner whenever you’re in public which can make your partner or other people misunderstand you.
If you’re having issues of low self-confidence it’s advisable to talk to your partner about it and go a bit further and seek the help of a therapist to help you deal with the issue.
Also read: 7 Signs a Man is Serious About You
3. He compares you a lot
Sometimes you may not be the one comparing yourself to other girls. It could be your boyfriend.
Some guys have the habit of intentionally making their girlfriends jealous. For instance, he might lavish another pretty girl with praise in your presence, or compare you to his ex unfairly.
It’s childish, and if you notice this pattern playing out, the best thing to do is call him out on the behavior. Nonetheless, the strategy can get to some ladies and make them feel they’re not good enough for the guy, especially if they already like him.
4. Differences in values or goals
If you and your partner have different values or goals, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy or insecurity.
If your partner is someone who values academic success and having extremely good grades, and you’re not exactly that type of person but rather a less hard-working person academically, you may feel intimidated or like you don’t measure up to his standards.
The way out of this feeling is to know that everyone has different priorities and it’s okay if you two have different values and goals academically or otherwise. Focus more on things you have in common with your partner, and be supportive of each other’s goals regardless of how diverse they may be.
5. Past trauma or negative experiences
Another reason why you’re not feeling good enough for him may be because of your past trauma or negative experiences you have had in your previous relationships.
Past trauma or negative experiences like being cheated on or being dumped etc can lead to negative thought patterns or self-sabotaging behaviors in your present relationship especially if you’ve not gotten over or healed from it.
The fear of being dumped or cheated on again can make you extra careful in your present relationship so it doesn’t happen again. And the experience can leave a scar on you. How?
Sometimes being cheated just makes you subconsciously assume you weren’t good enough for your partner — even if that wasn’t the case.
6. Insecurities about your appearance or abilities
If you’re feeling insecure about your appearance or abilities you’re not alone. It’s common to have these types of feelings but they can sometimes make you think you’re not good enough for your partner.
It’s important to remember that your value as a person is not determined by your appearance or abilities and that your partner loves and values you for who you are.
Try to focus on the things that you do well and that makes you unique. It can also be helpful to seek the support of friends and loved ones who can help you feel more confident and secure.
7. Lack of support or validation
If you think your partner does not support you or validate your feelings it could lead to the feeling of not being good enough for him.
Just like in the movie I mentioned before, another set of people had this issue in their relationship — Ben and Aneesa. Aneesa felt like Ben wasn’t always there to support her as his girlfriend and she felt like it was because she wasn’t as smart as he is or as his ex Devi is.
She tried talking to Ben about it but the truth was just so obvious especially when her team won a tournament and Ben couldn’t even cheer her up because he was on his phone with Devi.
If you feel your partner is not validating you or supporting you as he should, talking to him about your honest feelings about how he treats you is a great start to working things out.
Interesting: 5 Signs of Low Self-esteem Issues in a Partner
8. Differences in communication style or personality
You and your partner can’t have everything in common because both of you are different people. However, some differences can make you feel inadequate in a relationship such as differences in communication style or personality.
I listened to a podcast recently where a woman was talking about how she and her husband communicate or express their feelings differently.
She’s more of an expressive person while her husband is a man of few words. She narrated a story of how she was expecting her husband to compliment her appearance one time but just got a smile from him. This so infuriated her.
But instead of flaring up at her husband, she said she talked to him about what she expected him to say to her. She also added that they both found ways to balance their differences in communication style rather than having high expectations for each other.
When your partner does not speak your love language or acts in ways that are so different from the way you act, you might feel neglected by him. It’s better to know how to effectively communicate your needs to each other rather than dwelling on high expectations.
9. Differences in interest or hobbies
Another thing partners may not share in common is differences in interests or hobbies. It is possible that he would relate more with people in his field of interest or those who share similar hobbies with him, girls included.
You might start feeling jealous when you see him enjoying a conversation with people that share similar interests or hobbies with him but when it gets to you, he barely says much. This can also make you feel like you’re good enough for him.
This feeling might make you start acting up.
To avoid this, learn to always communicate your feelings and thoughts with your partner.
Also, you can tell him to teach you some of the things he likes doing so both of you can enjoy doing them together, or find out interests and hobbies that you both share in common to have conversations about and do together.
10. Fear of abandonment or rejection
If you’re struggling with fear of abandonment or rejection, it can make you feel inadequate and insecure in your relationship. This fear can come from past experiences or a lack of self-confidence.
For example, if you’ve had more than one experience of someone rejecting you for somebody else in the past, you might start being too careful or over-cautious in your present relationship to avoid being treated the same way again. This might even make you please your partner at all costs even to your detriment.
Being scared of losing someone is ok. It shows that you love and value that person and that you want to be with the person. But constantly having the fear of being abandoned or rejected is a negative feeling that can jeopardize your relationship.
It’s important to know that your partner chose to be with you and values you. What’s even more important is to know your worth and value yourself.
It’s important to remember that no one is perfect. And that it’s normal to have doubts or insecurities in a relationship. However, it’s also important to recognize that feeling “not good enough” for your partner is not a healthy mindset.
By focusing on building your self-esteem, practicing self-care, and improving your communication skills, you can work on feeling more confident and secure in your relationship.